Halfway there!

Hello everyone,

Just a quick one (don't I always say that?), to say that I had my last dose of Epirubicin today and will start the CMF in two weeks. That will be 4 doses, two per four weeks - I'll explain it all nearer the time.
Anyway, I feel better today than I have for any of the other chemo sessions. Gemma came with me today, without children! It was nice for her to have a day off from them and lovely for us to spend some together although we just did the things we normally do which is watch TV, read gossip mags and drink copious amounts of tea!
Had to show her my orange wee of course! Felt OK all day then flaked a bit in the evening and just felt tired.
Wednesday - feel great. Have taken all my pills like a good girl so I'm sure that helps but generally I feel better today than I have for any other chemo sessions.

On Sunday - SNOW!!!! It was great, Ash and I got up early and went out to Downe through the fields. I have never hiked in the snow before and it was sooo much fun. We played a game whereby we had to knock the snow off the trees onto each other. Sounds stupid.. and it was but at least it was fun (until the snow went down my neck!). Anyway, it was brilliant to be out and we had breakfast in the cake shop at Downe and then got the bus back as we were soaked and getting cold. It was weird because the snow had all but gone by the evening. The whole experience served to distract me from the fact that half my family and some friends of ours were jetting off to Florida for two weeks on a holiday that I should have been on. We had planned it for two years and I was gutted that I couldn't go. There are pros to this of course, I get to stay at home with Ash, I don't think he could have coped with me being away for two weeks and I am not spending horrendous amounts of money. On the other hand, it is the biggest thing that I have had to sacrifice because of the cancer and I WAS upset about it. I went down to Becky's to feed the cats (a constant reminder that I am not on holiday and they are) and had a good old cry.

Not much is happening apart from that. I have been offered all sorts of things, days out and such like. An anonymous donor (anonymous to you but not to me) gave me a cheque for £100 which was amazing! I don't even know this person THAT much and I was truly touched.

I think I am feeling more positive now that the weather is getting warmer and I don't mind going out so much. The snow was brilliant as I love snow but I HATE grey overcast weather. It depresses me.

Oh, one more thing. I read a book recently called Cancer Vixen (which Becky & David got me for my birthday). It is a book that I knew of when I was a student and it is a graphic novel about a woman's struggle with breast cancer. She is a cartoonist in New York. I wanted to buy it when I was a student and distinctly remember being in Waterstones in Oxford Street thinking that I couldn't really justify the price as a) I didn't want to work in Oncology and b) I didn't have cancer!
I finally worked up the courage to read it and I was a little disappointed. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure that she had a terrible time being told that she had cancer but it transpired that she a) only had a lumpectomy (not a mastectomy - therefore keeping her boob) and her tumour was only 13mm (mine were 21mm and 31mm) b) she only had CMF chemo and didn't even lose her hair! c) the whole thing was over in 8 months.

So many people aren't that lucky and I just felt like she was making a big deal of something when she should have been bloody grateful that it wasn't worse. Blimey, I thank the powers that be every day that I only had a Grade I cancer (when it was more likely to have been a II or III, given my age), that I didn't have to have a double mastectomy, that I actually feel OK on a day to day basis and the chemo hasn't completely knocked me out.

The only thing in the book was that as she was diagnosed at 43 and had to be on Tamoxifen for 5 years she couldn't then have children. I hope that I am able to although I am still young enough to have options in that department as I could have IVF etc afterwards if necessary.

All in all I am feeling very positive. As always the spectre of not having an money is hanging over my head although I have bitten the bullet and spoken to my parents about paying off my loan for me so that I can pay them back when I am working. So far although I am getting paid roughly £200 off my paycheck (half a month at full pay and half a month at half pay) I am really losing £600 a month as I am not doing any overtime. I don't even want to think about radiation therapy when I will not be able to work at all for 5 weeks and more surgery when I will not be able to work for large chunks of time. I don't want to work at the moment but I think I will have to throughout the rest of the chemo. :(

The system sucks. I would happily agree to work for the NHS for the next couple of years if they give me all my sick leave at once. It just bugs me because before this I never took 1 day sick. Oh well, there's no point being stressed about it. All I can do is get through it as best I can. If that means sacrificing certain things then that's what will have to happen.
I must add that lots of people have been very supportive, especially Ash's dad and his wife who have offered to buy our food shopping etc. It's practical help like that (from people who aren't even MY family) that is the most touching of all. Thank you.

See you all soon

Lizxxxxx