Thursday 15 May 2008

Team Betty

Next month I am doing a charity run. Well I say run but actually I will be walking as there is NO WAY I am able to manage even a gentle trot at the moment!

Check out the website www.teambetty.info - it's all about me!!!!!!
http://www.justgiving.com/teambetty-crisis ( to donate or join in!)

For those of you who don't know I volunteer every Christmas (for the last 8 years) for Crisis, a charity which helps homeless people. Every year Crisis do a fundraising event where some mad people run around London's Square Mile. The course starts at Paternoster Square (by St Paul's Cathedral) on a summer evening and goes along the River Thames and back again. I wouldn't actually know the route as I have never actually done the race despite saying many times that I would. I HAVE, however, been up there a couple of times to cheer on my friend Roger, sorry Scooby Doo (his alter ego) and it is great fun. There is a band afterwards and you get goody bags and everyone has a laugh and then usually goes for a drink in one of the local pubs.

So this year - I AM GOING TO DO IT!!!! Why not, the year when I have the best excuse ever NOT to do something (yeah, did you know I have cancer???)!!!!

What I want from you lot is SPONSORSHIP and if you can't do that then YOU"D BETTER BE RACING ALONGSIDE ME!!!!!!!
For our team instead of all the money going to Crisis we are going to give half of it to the Willow Foundation which is a charity that arranges days out for young people with cancer. They are taking me ballooning in July and they are a small charity so I thought they could do with the help.

SO - check out the website (www.teambetty.info) and if you have any questions or want to know more about it then feel free to contact me (liz_ford_1999@yahoo.co.uk).

See you there!

Liz
xxx
PS You are excused if you live in another country or more than 100 miles away!!!!

Tuesday 13 May 2008

Sacrifices and Happy Times

One of the worst things about being ill is that I have had to sacrifice things in my life. This mostly constitutes holidays, gigs, parties, dinners, meetings, general social activities and buying things that aren't essential. At the moment I am missing being able to go out with my friends clubbing or just out for drinks. I would LOVE to go clubbing as I haven't been out dancing for a long time but I know I wouldn't be able to handle a whole night out, in particular it doesn't take a lot of alcohol for me to be drunk now (1 gin and tonic is more than enough!) and I couldn't handle the journey home from London at 5am!

Also, the Eurovision Song Contest is coming up and I am a big fan. I LOVE watching it, especially when you are able to put the subtitles on and have the song lyrics in english (although I'm not sure they do that anymore). The best bit about it has been the last couple of years at Simon's where we drink wine and try to fill in Simon's desperately complicated score cards. The categories are things like; dance routine, costumes, song and campness. I know it is sad but if you watch it tongue in cheek and listen to Terry Wogan getting more and more pissed on Baileys throughout the night, it is an excellent excuse to stay in on a Saturday evening! This year I will probably get to watch some of the competition as my brother is having birthday drinks for his 30th that night (ahhh my little bro is going to be joining me on this side of 30). Maybe they'll have a TV in the bar and I can sneakily watch it!

!!!!UPDATE!!!!
My sister Becky is also a fan of Eurovision so we have worked out a plan for that day that involves me, her, her husband David and Ashley going to the drinks for my brother and being back to watch (if not all, then most of) Eurovision. It's basically that David is going to drive us to the bar and home again, therefore saving us precious time on the 358 bus!

Today it's difficult to be moany. I have read a blog by a woman called Kelly on the Breast Cancer Care website which has been very insightful. In a lot of ways she seems a lot like me and so it's easy to relate to her story. In another way - her experience is totally different to mine! (Apart from the financial stuff - I'm glad it's not just me that's finding it difficult).

In fact, the financial stuff I think is harder when you are a single woman without a family and I am SO SO SO grateful to have Ashley and that bit of extra support. If I was single I would never have been able to do this alone for so many reasons. I mean, at 32 (which is how I will be when I finish treatment) how do you go out into the world again and start dating? How do you explain to a potential partner that you've just spent the last 18 months in and out of hospital and that now you are scarred for life and possibly can't have children. I would be so scared to show off my scars to anyone. And how would anyone else understand it if they haven't been through it with you?

I digress. What I wanted to blog about today was the fact that I have had a fantastic day. It rained (phew! At least the vegetables on the allotment are getting a drink) and was generally a pretty grey and boring day today. In the morning I woke up at about 08:30 as my friend Sarah texted me from Australia (miss you!) and told me I had a package coming from her that might go to the shop downstairs as she thinks she addressed it wrong. It hasn't arrived yet even though I checked with the shop people.
Then I took my pills which are not making me feel as they did in the beginning. Then Tracy and I went swimming at Swanley which was lovely as it is the first time I have been swimming since my holiday last September (meaning that the last time I went swimming was on September 30 2007 in the pool at the house in Corfu. I want to go back!!!!). There was hardly anyone in the pool and we chatted and did a whole load of lengths (actually forgot to count as we were chatting so much!). Then we went for lunch at Sidcup Place which I have been past many times and never been in. It is a beautiful old house - shame it's not a house any more but it must have been fantastic back in the day.

In the late afternoon my friend Julie came to visit me. We haven't seen each other for AGES. Probably a good year or so. She moved down to the coast and we haven't been in touch much. I missed her birthday last year which I feel really bad about. It was just before my diagnosis when I KNEW something was wrong and I was really stressed. Neither of us have had a particularly good year so there was LOTS to catch up on. And things are looking up for both of us (especially in terms of relationships!) so it's all good. A trip to the coast is definitely in order!

Anyway, I am very happy today. All in all my life is not that bad. In fact I'd even forgotten that I have to have more chemo tomorrow and that my mum is coming to pick me up at 08:45am. Damn, no lie in tomorrow! The bonus is that we are getting some tomato plants and broccoli plants from my mums garden!

Lots of love to everyone
Liz
xxx

PS Special thanks to Ant and Rajan today. You know why :)

Monday 12 May 2008

The End of Things

I just finished watching the last season of Sex and the City today. The end of a series or a film or a book always makes me sad. It's not that the ending itself is sad, it's just that it's the end. I love to immerse myself completely in a good story and so I'm always a bit upset when it has to end and I have to go back to real life.
I was watching SATC because I wanted to see the episodes where Samantha has breast cancer. I hadn't watched them since my diagnosis and I had put it off because I thought it might upset me. As it turns out, breast cancer is totally different for everyone. Her experience was different to mine, which is different to all the other women I see in the clinic. There were a couple of things that really got to me though. One was the episode when her friends can't accept the possibility that she might die. Everyone says 'you'll be fine, you'll be fine', I even say it myself but we all know deep down that one of the possibilities with cancer is death. I feel lucky. I'm young and healthy in every other way and I have a lot to live for but every once in a while I do think about it. Maybe not now or in the next year but what about five years time? What if the chemo and the radiotherapy don't get it all? Realistically it can still take a long time for it to show again but then what? I have to do this all over again? I don't think that fear will go even if I get the all clear from this round of treatment and am told I am in remission. It's going to take a long time to not be afraid of cancer. Do you remember the first time you got your ears pierced? (I'm thinking the girls will appreciate this!) Some people said it would hurt, some people said it wouldn't. You got there and they did the first one. And it hurt like hell. But that wasn't the worst bit. The worst bit was knowing that you had to have the other one done too. Well, that's kind of what it would be like to have to go through this again. The fear of getting cancer in the first place is pretty bad, but not knowing what's going to happen cushions it a bit. Once you know what happens. Well, then you know exactly how bad it is going to be.

Sorry to be on such a downer to start. I just wanted to get that off my chest [insert inappropriate joke here, yes I mean you Lindsay ;) ] What would I do without inappropriate jokes!

I have, in fact, spent a delightful weekend sunbathing and having picnics and feeling sick. The chemo on Friday was the first of the new batch, CMF. At last! I feel like things are moving again now after a month of nothing really happening. It took all of 30 minutes to go through. One small syringe of very yellow fluid and two with clear fluid (no more orange pee!). I had oral anti-sickness pills so no more nettles in the knickers feeling and it was all done through a needle in my hand as there is no more Hickman line. It's all so very civilised!
It was a beautiful sunny day and Ashley had the day off so in the morning we went to the garden centre and purchased some plants for the terrace at the flat (it's not as nice as it sounds, it is really only the roof of the shop below!). We went to the allotment and planted the runner beans which are looking fab and checked on all the things that are growing. It's very exciting! I remembered to cover my head so that I wouldn't get sunburned and flake again.


Beans on the bus en route to the allotment!

After that we had lunch at Pizza Hut (cheap buffet!) and then headed up to the hospital for the chemo. Ashley's sister and her partner came over for dinner in the evening but I couldn't quite stomach it so I went to bed early.

Saturday we went with Ash's friend Chris to Shoreham to have a picnic by the river. It was lovely and a beautiful day again. I'm not sure how long this weather will last - it is fantastic but I have to admit that now I have things growing in the ground I wouldn't mind a bit of rain!

Sunday was a lazy day as I wasn't feeling too good. I have been given some chemo pills to take for the next two weeks. I have to take 4 every morning and wash my hands after I have handled them. They make me feel a bit sick so I take some Domperidone as well to stop that. It's nothing like last time with the 12 pills every morning so I can't complain.

Tonight Ash and I are off to see an Irish comic Dara O'Briain (that is not a typo by the way) at Hammersmith Apollo courtesy of Ashley's dad. He got us the tickets and is paying for our travelcards to get there and for us to have dinner. Thank you!

Lots of love to you all
and thank you for your continued support
Liz
xxx
liz_ford_1999@yahoo.co.uk

Wednesday 7 May 2008

A Ray of Light

Hi guys,

Just to let you know.... da da daaaaaaaaa... I went to the Oncologists today and they said... NO MORE HICKMAN LINE!!!!!!!! I will not have to have another one put in. Thank goodness. Instead they will give me the next four lots of chemo peripherally i.e. through my hand. It does mean having to get stabbed with a needle every time I go in but at least I don't have to have the Hickman. What this means, of course, is that now I can start doing some swimming (twice a week with Tracy) and hopefully lose some weight. I was weighed again today :( ugh. I now weigh more than Ashley and it is never a good thing for a girl to weigh more than her boyfriend. The swimming will help of course and now it is warming up and sunny I am more tempted to get outdoors. Not that there's anywhere to go in Orpington! We are going onto a healthy eating programme too!

I was going to tell you about my Hypnotherapy session as well. Let me assure you that it isn't one of those things where they wave a pocket watch in front of your face and tell you to 'look deeeeep into my eyes'. The lady that does it is actually a Radiologist and gave me some advice about my Radiotherapy which was excellent (definitely 3 weeks instead of 5, it doesn't make you tired, I can be around people with babies or who are pregnant). We talked for a long while and she found out all about me and my life and it was really a bit like a counselling session where you just offload all your feelings.
The Hyno-ey bit of it involved me lying down on the bed (it all took place in a regular consulting room so one of those narrow beds with a paper sheet on it) and she talked while I just closed my eyes and relaxed. She took me through a relaxation of the whole body (loosen the muscles in your arms, feel your hands on the bed etc etc). Then she did a visualisation of me on my favourite beach (in Greece) burying my anxieties and previous experiences in the sand. It was quite emotional actually, I had a little cry. I'm not generally good at letting out deep emotions, it's not something I was brought up to do. The thing she said that really stuck with me is that you can never have THAT experience again. You can never have THAT chemo or THAT Hickman line again. It was all really in preparation for having another Hickman but as that is not happening I'm not sure I will go to her again. Maybe I will as I was just so relaxed afterwards.

I went over to the Day Surgery to see my friends and everyone said I looked really chilled.. I was! I was just so so chilled afterwards it was great. Nearly as good as having a good massage (where inevitably I will fall asleep on the table!).

So today I saw the Dr, an early appointment for once. And, some sad news.... my Breast Care Nurse Jane is leaving! She has a promotion and is going to work at Guys. Ash and I got her a card and a bottle of wine to say thank you and we will miss her. She has been with us since the very beginning and has been BRILLIANT. She said she doesn't feel like she's done much for us but even though I haven't been phoning her every 5 minutes, the fact that I know she is there and that every time we go in she says hi and genuinely wants to know how we are is more than enough.
I will have a new nurse called Barbara that I met today. I hope she is nice too!

I am now going to have my next chemo on Friday. Ashley has the day off so we are going to the allotment first as we have to plant the runner beans. They are growing LOADS every day! In fact the whole allotment is coming up gradually and this sunny weather is perfect. The photos I've taken haven't really come out that great, it still looks like a load of mud but with weeds this time! When things are growing I will take some more snaps.
Unfortunately the digital camera that I got for my birthday last year (so less than 18 months old) has given up the ghost. Apparently the chip inside that transfers light to make a picture has gone. I may have taken a few too many pics last year (Istanbul for 1 week = over 500 pics). And I had quite a few holidays last year. I'm annoyed as it will cost over £100 to repair and the whole camera was only about £200 to start with! The chip will go again in about 18 months/ 2 years and will have to be replaced again. I'm going back to using a film camera! My SLR that I got for my 21st birthday is still going and it is 10 years old!

I'm off to probably sit out in the sun a bit more and then go and water the allotment. Hope you all have a good day. Those of you who are reading this at work:
1) Don't be too jealous that I get to enjoy the sunshine while you are stuck in ______________ (fill in your workplace as appropriate)
2) Get back to work!!!!!

Lots of love
Liz
xxx