The End of Things

I just finished watching the last season of Sex and the City today. The end of a series or a film or a book always makes me sad. It's not that the ending itself is sad, it's just that it's the end. I love to immerse myself completely in a good story and so I'm always a bit upset when it has to end and I have to go back to real life.
I was watching SATC because I wanted to see the episodes where Samantha has breast cancer. I hadn't watched them since my diagnosis and I had put it off because I thought it might upset me. As it turns out, breast cancer is totally different for everyone. Her experience was different to mine, which is different to all the other women I see in the clinic. There were a couple of things that really got to me though. One was the episode when her friends can't accept the possibility that she might die. Everyone says 'you'll be fine, you'll be fine', I even say it myself but we all know deep down that one of the possibilities with cancer is death. I feel lucky. I'm young and healthy in every other way and I have a lot to live for but every once in a while I do think about it. Maybe not now or in the next year but what about five years time? What if the chemo and the radiotherapy don't get it all? Realistically it can still take a long time for it to show again but then what? I have to do this all over again? I don't think that fear will go even if I get the all clear from this round of treatment and am told I am in remission. It's going to take a long time to not be afraid of cancer. Do you remember the first time you got your ears pierced? (I'm thinking the girls will appreciate this!) Some people said it would hurt, some people said it wouldn't. You got there and they did the first one. And it hurt like hell. But that wasn't the worst bit. The worst bit was knowing that you had to have the other one done too. Well, that's kind of what it would be like to have to go through this again. The fear of getting cancer in the first place is pretty bad, but not knowing what's going to happen cushions it a bit. Once you know what happens. Well, then you know exactly how bad it is going to be.

Sorry to be on such a downer to start. I just wanted to get that off my chest [insert inappropriate joke here, yes I mean you Lindsay ;) ] What would I do without inappropriate jokes!

I have, in fact, spent a delightful weekend sunbathing and having picnics and feeling sick. The chemo on Friday was the first of the new batch, CMF. At last! I feel like things are moving again now after a month of nothing really happening. It took all of 30 minutes to go through. One small syringe of very yellow fluid and two with clear fluid (no more orange pee!). I had oral anti-sickness pills so no more nettles in the knickers feeling and it was all done through a needle in my hand as there is no more Hickman line. It's all so very civilised!
It was a beautiful sunny day and Ashley had the day off so in the morning we went to the garden centre and purchased some plants for the terrace at the flat (it's not as nice as it sounds, it is really only the roof of the shop below!). We went to the allotment and planted the runner beans which are looking fab and checked on all the things that are growing. It's very exciting! I remembered to cover my head so that I wouldn't get sunburned and flake again.


Beans on the bus en route to the allotment!

After that we had lunch at Pizza Hut (cheap buffet!) and then headed up to the hospital for the chemo. Ashley's sister and her partner came over for dinner in the evening but I couldn't quite stomach it so I went to bed early.

Saturday we went with Ash's friend Chris to Shoreham to have a picnic by the river. It was lovely and a beautiful day again. I'm not sure how long this weather will last - it is fantastic but I have to admit that now I have things growing in the ground I wouldn't mind a bit of rain!

Sunday was a lazy day as I wasn't feeling too good. I have been given some chemo pills to take for the next two weeks. I have to take 4 every morning and wash my hands after I have handled them. They make me feel a bit sick so I take some Domperidone as well to stop that. It's nothing like last time with the 12 pills every morning so I can't complain.

Tonight Ash and I are off to see an Irish comic Dara O'Briain (that is not a typo by the way) at Hammersmith Apollo courtesy of Ashley's dad. He got us the tickets and is paying for our travelcards to get there and for us to have dinner. Thank you!

Lots of love to you all
and thank you for your continued support
Liz
xxx
liz_ford_1999@yahoo.co.uk