Some Good News

Hello everyone,

Well after a week of not-very-much-happening, I had my next appointment with the consultant yesterday.

To fill you in on the story so far... I have had to wait two weeks to see Mr D again and in that time I have mostly been expending my energy on trying to sort out my sick pay at work and arranging my flat ready for me to slob/recuperate post-surgery. I am only entitled to one month full pay sick leave at work then two months half pay. As most of you know I am a nurse now so the pay aint great anyway but I can't really afford not to work. Mostly the NHS is an easy ride if you are sick as after about five years service you get six months full pay, six months half pay. Sweet if all you have are a few colds and you elect to have some non-essential surgery which gets you six weeks off.
As I have been officially employed by the Trust for less than one year I am not getting much. It is a bit of a pisser. Mostly when people at work come and say 'I didn't expect to see you here, why don't you just have a day off?' and I have to say (through gritted teeth) 'I CAN'T have a day off"! I am pretty much going to have to work up until the day I go in for surgery and I am VERY annoyed about this. Given half the chance I would have stopped working the day I got my diagnosis and not gone back until I really had to. When I think about it more, I could have had this time to organise an osteopath appointment (my back is giving me gip again) and perhaps arranged some counselling and stuff like that. Anyway, that's the way the cookie crumbles and it's shit but since there's not a lot I can do about it I am just going to make the best of it. There are benefits to being at work of course, I have friends there and I am not doing a lot of actual 'work' as I am supernumerary so I can float around and help people without the stress of having to look after my own patients.
The other thing to mention is that my managers have been BRILLIANT and are really trying to get me some extra support as there is some leeway for managers to grant extra sick leave pay. It is a difficult time for the Trust, they are in deep financial trouble so for that reason I might not get anything. Bad timing on my part!

So... the appointment... it was to confirm my date for surgery and to give me the results of my various scans and tests. Last week had been an OK week, I am able to get through the days OK but the nights are difficult and so it is mainly Ashley that gets me crying all over him. Things tend to hit me at very inappropriate moments. For example, during sex when I am naked and I can't help thinking that I won't have my boobs for much longer, and will I even want to have sex after the surgery, and will Ash still want to sleep with me, and then I remember that episode of Trinny and Susannah when that woman who'd had a mastectomy showed her husband her scar for the first time in like 10 years and they were behind the screen and everyone was crying as he just said he loved her no matter what she looked like. I was in tears over that episode! It's making me well up even now just thinking about it. The fact that she was so ashamed of her own body but he didn't care he loved her all along. That's not something I worry about with Ashley. He has said (and had to repeat himself) that he doesn't love me for my boobs, it is what goes on in my head and all the other things about me. (What on earth did I do to deserve him??).
Anyway, to get back to the point, these are the things I worry about. My boobs (as I have probably said) are rather an integral part of my anatomy and have shaped my personality too. For someone who's nickname is Tits McGee - boobs are important!

I am totally going off on a tangent here, this is what happens when you can touch type! The point is that I had been having an OK week, this week has been a bit harder as I have been thinking about the results of the scans and scared that Mr D was going to say I had a Grade 4 tumour that had metastasised and that there was nothing they could do and that I was going to die. It's dramatic but that's what happens - however positive you try and be your mind always goes to the dark side. Especially when you are alone and it's quiet (not that that has happened a lot recently).
Tuesday was a bad day at work as I was totally distracted and got a bit upset, especially as everyone was talking about Christmas and I know I am going to have a crap Christmas this year. I was allowed to go home early which was nice but I'd have rather not been there at all.
On Wednesday Ash and I did some bits and bobs around the house, I got quite a bit done that I needed to. The appointment wasn't until 4pm so I had lots of time to be moody and stroppy with Ash. Luckily for me he is a patient man with a good sense of humour! When we got to the Chartwell Unit they said they were running an hour and a half behind so we got a coffee and a sandwich in the canteen and then went back to wait. When you are waiting for an appointment like that the waiting is EXCRUCIATING! I was so nervous and couldn't stop jiggling around. I read every sign on the walls at least 25 times and read the whole of heat magazine! It got to the point where I almost fell asleep as I was shattered.

When they call you, what happens is that you go into another corridor and wait for another five minutes. The Breast Care Nurse, Jane, came out and said 'don't worry, all the scans were clear'. I had to just let out a little cry at that point because I had been so stressed without really realizing it. So at least when Mr D called me in I didn't cry in front of him. That would have been embarrassing, I'm not sure why but I think if I lose it in the actual appointment I won't take in anything he's telling me.

What he did tell me was that all the scans were clear (Phew!), and that I would come in for surgery on the 18th of December to Orpington. The upshot of it is that I will probably be in for about 3-4 days, he is going to have to do pretty drastic surgery as he thinks the tumour could be as big as 9-10cm. He is going to take the lower portion of my right breast so I will have a sort of sideways leaf shaped going across the top of the nipple (think along the tan line), side to side and underneath in the crease. He is going to take some skin and muscle from my back to do the reconstruction and he is going to put in a silicon implant (yay fake boobie!). He will take the nipple away and so I will be nipple-less for a few months. He will finish this off later after all the chemo and everything.
He showed me a diagram of what he wants to do and it is pretty radical. I am pretty scared but I know where the scars will be now so at least now I can get used to that. On the left breast there will be an anchor-like scar just like if you have a regular reduction. This will, of course, be done at a later date. If I can work out how to do it I will try and draw some diagrams and post them up here. I am also planning to take some photos and post them up so for the squeamish or people that know me too well and don't want to see my tits I will pre-warn you when I do it!

I'd better sign off as I have been rambling now for ages and you lot will be bored of reading this by now. I may have to do some midweek blogs I feel!

I'm sure there are some more things I wanted to tell you all but they will have to wait for next week's exciting installment.... I know you can't wait!

Again thanks to all of you for your messages of support, cards, emails, phone calls and texts (sorry that I can't reply to you all individually), it really means a lot to me that people bother and please keep it up!

Lots of love
Liz
xxx