Last Day At Work

Hi guys,

Well, here we are again, a week later. Lots has happened and when it does I always try and make a mental note to remember it for my blog. Of course, now I'm actually sitting in front of the computer I can't remember a thing!

So, wow, what HAVE I done this week???? Actually the first thing that comes to mind is that I managed to have a really BIG cry (and it felt good). Ash and I were discussing Christmas arrangements and I realised that I may be alone on Christmas Eve night and therefore Christmas morning. Not good. Anyway, that set me off and I was away. Bless him, Ash is so good. He just lets me get on with it. Let's face it, there are no words that are going to make this situation any better.

What I have had this week are a couple of days where I feel like I haven't had cancer. Ash and I spent last Saturday with some friends of mine who have kids and the focus was on the little (very little) ones all the time, you know, making sure they didn't hurt themselves or each other!
Then on Tuesday we went to Ikea with another friend of mine who has recently separated from her partner so yet again, the focus was not on me and it was lovely. I'm not saying 'don't pay attention to me'. Quite frankly I am loving all the messages and support etc etc but sometimes it's nice to forget that I have a life-threatening disease.

Apart from anything else, seeing people has taken my mind off the surgery which is really looming large now and is scaring me. It's not the actual surgery that's a problem, I have total faith in the people who will be looking after me (although I don't want to be completely monged out afterwards... well maybe a little bit!). It's the scars and the fact that I will have restricted movement in my right arm for a while. Just a note for those who don't know everything about breast cancer; (shame on you all if you haven't been researching tut tut! :) ) when you take lymph nodes from the axilla (the polite word for armpit), you increase the risk of infection into the arm (because the lymph is part of your immune system) and you also increase your risk of lymphoedema which is when you get swelling in the armpit where fluid gathers. PLEASE do not ask me to explain why or blah blah blah as I really do not know. OK so I just looked on the NHS website and you get lymphoedema because fluid that would normally travel through your body in the lymph system can't. Because you don't got none. OK? Anyway, lympoedema is like having a tennis ball in your armpit and it has to be drained surgically most of the time (although I think there are alternative medicine methods). So I will have to be careful after the surgery but I don't know all the advice yet as I think they are waiting until afterwards to tell me about it. I will also have a massive scar and it takes time to regain full movement anywhere you've had surgery because you have to protect the stitches from ripping... mmm what a lovely image!

Right, so I was talking about being scared - yeah, well I am, naturally. I haven't ever had major surgery before. I have found out through ways and means at work that I am going to be first on the list which means that they will start operating at about 08:30 - 09:00. I am mostly grateful for this because pre-surgery you have to starve and at least I can do most of my starving overnight when I will be asleep. It might be a Night Nurse night that night. There is no way I am going to sleep.

The other thing that's bugging me about the surgery is that because I am having an implant (yay fake boobie!), I will have to lie on my back to sleep for a few weeks afterwards. That is not normal for me and I tend to snore when I lie on my back - oops, sorry Ash! The reason is because (and I asked Mr D about this) if you lie on your side the implant can move. So he said to me that unless I want a breast on my back I will have to lie on my side!!!! That's enough information for me!

I have been in to work all this week, in between going to a few appointments. I had a pre-operative assessment at Orpington Hospital (which is the same thing I do to people that come into the Day Surgery). I had to have bloods taken (to give them an idea of how I am generally), be weighed and measured (no comment!) and have an ECG (Electrocardiogram) which looks at how well your heart works. It's weird because I have done countless ECGs and having one done on you is a totally different experience (it did involve getting the girls out again as they have to stick things to your chest and around your heart - if I see any of you non-nursey types and you want me to explain how an ECG works I will happily do so!).

Today was the last day at work. It wasn't really a normal day as it was an Academic Half Day which means we didn't have any patients in, we have a staff meeting and do some training. There weren't that many staff in and I didn't see the point in doing any training as I am not going to be there for a good couple of months so my manager let me go home early. I was standing at my locker, having a mini-clear out and I got all upset thinking that I wasn't going to be back for such a long time. A couple of my good friends were there today and they were brilliant but today has been a 'Careful- Fragile' sort of a day. It started off with me getting a message from my Dad this morning through Facebook so I was crying at half seven this morning. Not a great start to the day.

I saw a doctor in Occupational Health today who has written a referral letter for me to have some extended sick pay. Let's hope that all goes ahead OK. It is in the hands of my managers now. I will update all of you as soon as I know. It's one of the small battles in part of the bigger war. The weird thing about cancer is that it is just getting from one bit to the next so you can never really see the whole picture. I have literally NO idea what next year is going to be like and I don't like that! As many of you know, I like to be organised and the lack of things in my diary is a source of consternation to me!

I am really going to miss being at work. Just the people and having a laugh and the in-jokes and stuff. I'm scared that when I go back things will have changed. They change all the time in that place anyway. There will be some staff gone, some new people, some new procedures and things like that. Whatever happens, it won't be the same. I don't like the feeling that I will be missing out.

Okay, I'm going to wrap this one up pretty soon as it is long. I won't be able to do a blog next week as I will be in hospital. I'll try and do one Sunday or Monday before I go in but, just so that you all know, I do have a VERY busy social calendar this weekend and may not get time.

As always, keep messaging, just because I don't reply doesn't mean that I don't read them. I do read ALL of them and am grateful to everyone for their support. I'll maybe post up a note soon about contact whilst I am out of action.

Love to you all (especially those people who complimented my writing skills, which was almost all of you!)
Liz
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