Hair

As many of you know through my Facebook page and various messages and conversations, I am now BALD!
After the second sessions of chemo I felt OK, a bit tired but MUCH better than the first time! I have chemo on Fridays so that I can be ill over the weekend when Ash is there to look after me and then if I feel OK I can work the following week. Anyway, on the Saturday some hair started coming out when I ran my fingers through my hair but not too much. About the amount that comes out when you naturally molt. This is something girls are more likely to know about but when you are ill or run down sometimes your hair molts a little bit. Saturday and Sunday weren't too bad, I was well enough to spend Saturday at the allotment digging. We took one of my new chairs down there in case I was a bit tired but Ash's mate Chris came down and he had a hangover so he ended up in the chair most of the morning! Good job I didn't need it really!
Monday and Tuesday more hair started coming out, when I washed it loads came out and then I had to brush it which didn't help.


By Wednesday I had to wear a headscarf out of the house as a big lump of hair had come out just at the front and it was really noticeable. I didn't want any comments about combovers!

NB It is now ages since I started this blog and things have been happening so I'm going to try and be quick so I can get everyone up to date!

When I went in for my next appointment that Friday pretty much all my hair had come out and I had a straggly little ponytail at the back. Luckily for me I got my wig that day. It is lovely and long with blonde on top and brown shades underneath. It is quite thick so it is not like my real hair but everyone thinks it is so that's OK!
I was annoyed with the little ponytail so I just cut it off with a pair of scissors and then carried on and trimmed up the rest of my hair. It ended up looking like this...



Ashley said I looked like an 'escaped mental patient' but I quite liked it. It is a very liberating feeling cutting all your hair off!
That evening after looking at me for a few hours Ash couldn't stand it anymore so he got the clippers out (we don't have any guards for them) and clippered my head all over - a 0.5! I'm officially a skinhead! I'm not going to go quite so far as to shave it with a razor as then I would be all shiny. No thank you.
I didn't like it at first, I felt REALLY bald and you can feel the slightest breeze on your head when you have no hair - it is very sensitive!
Here's what it looks like:

I've got used to having no hair and have realised that really the pros outweigh the cons. Here they are:

CONs
My head gets cold
People stare
I like having hair!
Wigs are a bit hot and itchy

PROs
I've always wanted to shave my head (don't ask me why!)
Hopefully my hair will grow back thick and curly (like I've always wanted!)
It takes me two minutes to have a shower and dry myself as I don't have to wash/dry and style my hair
I am saving LOADS of money on shampoo. (I went into Sainsbury's the other day and my regular shampoo was on offer, I was about to put some the trolley before I realised I didn't need any and probably wouldn't need any for a while. And I already had some at home!)
When I wear a wig I don't have to style my hair and it keeps my head warm

So, there you have it. Being bald was something I was not looking forward to and I was quite upset at the prospect of losing my hair but not it's happened I don't mind it at all. Everyone keeps saying that I look good bald which is always encouraging!

Thank you for all your support and encouragement as always

Liz
xxx

"The first one is usually the worst"

That is a quote by one of the Oncologists. A new one which I saw on Wednesday. I went to see her to discuss how the first round of chemo had been and what my side effects were and how I had coped with it. It was one of those horrible afternoons in the unit where everyone was delayed. We had already waited about forty five minutes and the rather prim volunteer who helps out with the waiting lists told us it would probably be another hour. Usually at this point we head up to Costa and get a coffee but we had to go to the allotment after the appointment and time was dragging on (it was about 4 o'clockish by this point) so we decided to go to the allotment anyway as it was only 5 minutes walk away from the unit (handy or what??). I told the volunteer this and she just looked at us funny and said, 'I don't think there's time for that', 'it's only over the road' I said, 'not even as far a walk as Costa' which is over the other side of the hospital. 'Well, I just put down that you are going for coffee dear'. Hospitals have a very strange set of etiquette rules!
So we went to the allotment, we didn't do much just a few bits and bobs. When we came back in one of the Healthcare Assistants said that we could wait another hour to see Dr Sawyer or go in and see this other doctor that I hadn't seen before. We opted to see the new person, there was no way I was going to wait another hour. I know they are all going to tell me the same thing. Bit of advice if this happens to you: unless you are seeing one doctor because you want to ask THEM something specific (say if it was Mr Desai and he was the one operating on me I would want to see ONLY him), then wait. If not, don't bother, they all have your notes in front of them and generally the other docs are on hand if they need to ask a question. Don't ever be afraid to question a doctor, don't forget they are there to look after you but YOU are the only person who truly has your best interests at heart and if you are AT ALL unhappy or confused or unsure about anything they say then get them to explain it. Anyway, that was a bit of a rant wasn't it. I just think that if I have problems understanding them sometimes then how on earth do non-healthcare people manage. My other bit of advice is to take someone sensible in with you, with a notebook if necessary because Ash has been great at remembering the things that I conveniently forget!

Anyway, after all that waiting the appointment was about 5 minutes although I did try to drag it out as long as possible as we had been waiting a while. She just asked me how I had been feeling and about my side effects but since they were nothing too horrendous (it's all relative I suppose!), she said they would not change the chemo dose and that it "The first one is usually the worst"!!! How I have clung to those words!

I had blood taken that day too, it was to check my white blood cells, specifically the neutrophils. There are several types of WBC but these are the important ones for chemo. The numbers were good so my second session was booked for that Friday.

Mum took me in on the Friday, we went a bit early to see the Wig Lady. The Trust pay for one wig for you (they are about £100) and if you want a back up hairstyle you can buy another one with a discount. The previous week I had tried on quite a few but they were mostly old lady styles which is SO not me! Ash couldn't stop laughing at me. The thing is when you try them on when you still have hair you have to wear a bit of old tights to prevent your hair from falling off into the wig. Very hygienic etc. I had just washed my hair that morning so it was all lovely and shiny. NOTE: this is not good when trying on wigs! Mum helped me with the bit of old tights (bandit mask) as it wouldn't stay on my head but she ended up pulling it over my face most of the time so I looked like a bank robber! Ash came down too and we looked at the wigs that I had ordered the previous week. One was long and curly - the hair I've always wanted! It was a tad girly though and I don't think I could have maintained it. We chose a two-tone one (I might be going back to blonde again!) and I'm going to pick this Friday which one I am definitely having. There is a funky one with kind of pink bits in it which I might buy, you know for parties and things! Here's a pic of one I tried on that was the closest to my real hair as it could get (colour etc) but waaaaay too long and thick!
PS I CANNOT GET THIS PICTURE TO ROTATE!


The second lot of chemo was nothing major, the Dexamethasone was weird again. The old nettles in the knickers feeling hee hee! I didn't feel sick at all this time. We went home. That was it. I was VERY pale when I got in and a bit tired.

I'm going to wrap this blog up and start a new one to try and keep them short and sweet. I think I'll be able to get them out a bit more regularly then (miracles COULD happen!)

See you all soon
Liz
xxx

One down, seven to go!

After that first bout of chemo I did feel grotty for about five days. I was tired but not sleepy, headachy without actually having a headache (like the precursor to a migraine), nauseated but not sick (well, just once - projectile onto the toilet hee he, Ash had to clean it up). We actually managed to go up to Westerham on Saturday for a cream tea (which is what I threw up later) and it was nice to be out and about although I was tired and couldn't walk too fast. These are the times I wish we had a car. The weather was just too glorious to stay indoors though and I really wanted some fresh air. Usually at the weekend I would open all the windows to the flat to let some air in but now that Dora is here and is VERY curious about the outside world, we can only open them a little bit or not at all. I think we have to accept that soon she is going to make a run for it outside, just to see what is out there.

Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I just felt tired and mostly stayed in watching television or playing Wii games. I did force myself to go out and mooch round Orpington, I even went for a walk in the park but I was shattered when I got back.
When I left the unit on the Friday after the chemo they gave me a big bag of drugs to take home. They weren't anything major just a lot of sickness and bowel-orientated medications. Chemo really constipates you and since that is never something I have a problem with that knocked me for six. The rundown is as follows:
Day 2 (the first day after the chemo): In the morning I took 3 Dexamethasone, 1 Ondansetron (both anti-sickness), 2 Dioctyl (anti-constipation), 1 Omeprazole (protects your stomach), 2 Paracetamol, 2 Ibuprofen. Also (Ashley did this) I had to have an injection of something called Neulasta which is a small amount of a solution which prevents your white blood cells from disappearing. The major side effect of that is bone pain! I didn't get that though luckily. I then had to take 2 more Dioctyl before bed.
Day 3 and 4 the Dexamethasone, Omeprazole and Dioctyl continue plus more painkillers for headache.
Day 5 and onwards just the Omeprazole and Dioctyl.
The reason for the sickness, diarrhoea/constipation and mouth ulcers (which are common with chemo) is that the chemo drugs attack fast-regenerating cells and your gastro-intestinal tract has lots of those. So top to bottom that's where the upset is. To be honest, of all the systems in the body, it's not bad - I'd rather have my GI tract upset than my liver, kidneys, heart or lungs.

Before I take any painkillers I have to check my temperature. This is because if you get an infection, one of the first signs is a raised temperature and painkillers mask that as they bring your temperature down (which is why you take Paracetamol-based products when you have the flu - it deals with pain and fever). Pharmacology lesson over for another week!

OK, it's now Tuesday and I really should get this finished as I'm due to have the next lot of chemo on Friday. Am not looking foward to it - I think it's the knowing that I am going to be ill. Maybe worse than last time. Before I have it I am seeing the Oncologist tomorrow - I think to talk about how it was last time and maybe rejig the doses, I don't really know. Then they are going to take some blood from me, I think to test WBC (White Blood Cells) but again, I'm not really sure. I'm not being VERY helpful here am I???!!!!

I just checked my MySpace page for the first time in ages as I am mostly on Facebook now and I got a message from a guy that I went to uni with.. THE FIRST TIME!!!! Well, I graduated in 1998 so it was quite some time ago (man I'm old!).
Incidentally, I had my birthday at the weekend, Me and la famille went to Downe village to have afternoon tea - it was awesome. Here's the rundown:
Sandwiches (I had smoked salmon and cream cheese)
Toasted teacake or crumpet
Scones, jam and cream
Cake
AND as much tea as you can drink!!!!!!! All for £8.50 - what a bargain!

As I write this, Ophelia is out, Ashley is asleep on the sofa downstairs and Dora is sleeping on my bed. It's a bit quiet (probably why I've gotten around to blogging).

Ash and I went to the allotment after he finished work today and planted our first plants in!!!!! On Sunday we took my mum and dad there and we planted my Bay tree (which mum's friend Rosie kindly nursed back to health after the hot summer of 2003 and my neglect!) but that doesn't count. Today we planted rhubarb, asparagus and raspberry. Watch this space in a few months to see how they grow. I'll pop some pictures up.




Thank you everyone for my cards, presents and birthday wishes

Liz
xxx

Enough Already!

OK so I updated you all on where we were as of the beginning of this week.
I went in to see Jane on Monday for her to check the wound and make sure it wasn't a seroma. She had already asked me on the phone whether it felt like a seroma, she asked whether it felt squishy like a hot water bottle and was the fluid all moving around. I was like 1. Ewwwwwww, that's gross and 2. No. There was another nurse there who was learning breast care who was really nice - it reminded me of when I was a student. Ahh, those carefree days when there was no responsibility or cynicism about the NHS!
When I went in she asked me the same questions and I'm convinced it's just because she wanted to get her big needle out and aspirate it (draw out the fluid with a big needle!). She said it was definitely an infection and to go back to the GP on Friday when the antibiotics finished to get it checked out and maybe have another course of antibiotics.

The doctor from Guy's called and said that they were not going to give me any IVF treatment. They had discussed it at their unit meeting and decided that the procedure was too risky for what would be not a good result. I called Jane straight away and she said she would follow it up and that I should come in and see the Oncologists on Wednesday

My next appointment was Wednesday with Dr Sawyer, one of the Oncologists. She was remarkably young (usually female consultants are ladies of a certain age but she was from Guy's and I think they probably have a higher turnover of staff. Unlike Bromley where the consultants last for ROUGHLY 100 years).
I was actually at that appointment with my Mum as Ash had to work and afterwards I was going to see Mum and Dad's new flat (which has taken them 9 months to buy!).
The doctor gave us quite a bit of information:
1. They are not going to give me any IVF treatment. What the doctor at Guy's had failed to mention to me before was that even if I had tried to get pregnant normally at this stage, the chances are that it wouldn't have worked. Something to do with not very good follicles or something. I got a copy of the letter that Guy's sent to the PRUH but I don't really understand it. I spoke to Jane about it and she just said that with those results it was a no go for the procedure. I just wish someone had told me that to start with!
2. Dr S discussed chemo options with us. Again, it was all a bit complicated but there are basically two cycles of chemo. The doctor went through the studies that they are participating in at the moment and said that it might change the way I get the chemo i.e. it may be once every two, three or four weeks; it could be pills rather than IV and that I might be put on a drug called Zolodex to suppress my ovarian function in the hope that the chemo will not damage them and I will get full fertility back.

After seeing the doctor I went in to the Outpatient area of the Chartwell (where they give you your chemo) and Nicky the chemo nurse took some blood and they all had a good look at my veins to see what they were like. It was decided that they would try and give me a permanent line. This is a tube that goes into a vein either through your arm or through your chest. Yeah, it sounds bad. Well, let me tell you - I looked it up in the Royal Marsden Book of Clinical Nursing Procedures (every nurse's BIBLE) and it is pretty horrible! I wish I hadn't looked! The point of the line is that the inside end of it sits in your Superior Vena Cava, pretty much the biggest vein in the body. It means the cytotoxic drugs (chemo) are pumped round your body nice and quickly anyway!
So they put me into the computer to see which course of treatment I would get for the studies. Basically it is all randomly decided (which is the only way to do clinical trials). I am going to have 8 cycles of treatment. 4 of Epirubicin which will be every 2 weeks starting from this Friday (15 Feb), 4 of CMF which will be 1 every 4 weeks and I didn't get the Zolodex which is a bit of a bummer. I was pretty annoyed about this and Ash and I had a cry and cuddle later about the IVF. It's tough to think that we might not get a chance to have kids but we can't think about that now, we have to get through the chemo first and then see what happens. The stats are that if you are under 30 the chance of you getting your periods back after chemo are 60%. They they drop until you're 40 when the chances are pretty low. As I am only just 30 (OK, nearly 31!) my chances are still pretty good.
For the Epirubicin I am lucky to be on the trial of having it every two weeks as although I will still feel ill and lose my hair (more about that later), you tend to go neutropenic (when your white blood cells disappear) 10-15 days after each chemo session so because I will be having ANOTHER lot of chemo at day 14 I won't go neutropenic. I don't actually know why this is and I haven't asked yet but if I find out I will let you all know! This is a good thing as that was the thing I was most worried about because catching something even as minor as a cold if you have no white blood cells means that you can die and I am NOT going to die from a flipping cold!
For the CMF I am having the regular treatment that I would get if they weren't doing any trials. This is just going to be slow, once every 4 weeks is really spread out but hopefully I will be able to work in between sessions.

So that was last week, it's now Wednesday 13th February. Last weeks after my appointment I got my period which as usual I moaned about until the sobering thought hit me that it might be my last one...EVER. Weird and just a little scary. I think when I've got through this I just won't complain about my period ever again. I've always harboured a secret wish to get the menopause early as I hate periods (pain, PMT, general uncomfortableness) and I've not wanted kids. Things have changed now I've met Ash. When we thought we weren't going to be given a change to have kids it really upset me. I think I want to be the one to make the decision, I don't want someone else telling me that I can't have kids. Also it's not going to be a natural thing that I lose my periods, it's being induced by drugs (that I don't really want to have anyway!).

It's now Friday 15th Feb and I'm going to wrap this one up pretty soon. In the last couple of weeks I've been in to work which has been nice, at least seeing everyone makes a change from just being at home all the time. Thank you Lindsay for continuing to be inappropriate and tactless and making me remember that sometimes there are just more stressful things in life than having cancer :)!!!
Yesterday I had the Hickman line put in. They were going to try and put a PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) which goes in at the anticubital fossa (inside of your elbow) and up the vein into your SVC but they couldn't find a vein.
Having the Hickman put in was horrible, there was no sedation just local anaesthetic and a lot of pushing and pulling which was quite uncomfortable. I got quite upset but I was thinking about how much I didn't want to have the whole thing done, chemo etc. Ash was on a bit of a busman's holiday as he works in Radiology where they do the procedure but he knew everyone and they were all lovely to me which is nice.

The first dose of chemo was this morning. It was nice not having something going into your hand as usually you can feel it and with the Hickman line you can't feel anything going in at all. They put a small bag of saline up and then used about 4 large syringes of pink fluid which was the actual chemo. I had some anti-sickness drugs first (Ondansetron and Dexamethasone). The Dex (when it goes in IV) makes you feel as though you have "stinging nettles in your private parts" to quote the Sister. It really did as well, as it went in I was like, 'yeah, this is OK' and then I started wiggling in the chair - it was a weird weird feeling!!!
The chemo made me feel a bit nauseated at first but soon settled down and it was all done in 45 minutes. Had coffee, went home, Tracy gave us a life and came in for a tea and catch up which was lovely as I haven't seen her for AGES!
Today I have felt a bit off-colour, just on the edge of nauseated and a but tired and weak-feeling.
What they never told me was that when I went to the toilet my pee would be ORANGE! And not regular orange but Sainsbury's Carrier Bag orange! It had faded through the day but it was weird - I had to get Ash and Tracy to witness it!

Thanks to everyone that sent me texts and messages today for encouragement. I'm touched that so many people remembered that it was today.

Will update soon, I promise...!

Lots of love


Liz
xxx

It's Been A While (the actual blog)

OK folks, well, posting a blank blog was NOT something I intended or even did by accident. This is what happens when you have a kitten that's obsessed with trying to catch the cursor on your computer screen! The cat has managed to walk over the keyboard and not only delete the blog I was doing (two paragraphs of it) but she's also managed to publish it! Some of you may say she is very clever, well you're probably right but it's an evil sort of genius!

So here it is again, as much as I can remember (or be bothered to write):

I apologise for not writing much recently. I was going to try for once a week blogs but to be honest not enough has been happening. Following the previous blog, I had another appointment with Mr D the following week and it was for a wound check. It was lucky for us because the clinic was running at least 2 hours late (pretty much standard for the NHS although so far it hasn't been that bad), and what happens usually is that a Healthcare Assistant comes out and calls you in but Jane, my Breast Care Nurse poked her head out and called us in instead. Looking back I realised that we'd probably skipped the queue a bit. We'd already waited an hour and a half so I didn't feel THAT bad about it but that is what happens when you are a nurse and staff. It was a five minute appointment and the wound was fine, healing nicely. Mr D said he wouldn't need to see me again until the fifth cycle of chemo when we would discuss further surgery (to put the implant in again and reduce my left breast).
The schedule is now as follows:
IVF
Chemo
Surgery
Radiotherapy
Tamoxifen (the 'wonder' drug that's been in the papers)

OK, the cat seems to have gone to sleep so I think I'm safe. I'm going to attempt to post a picture to prove it! (See above. She keeps waking up when I try and take a picture of her - poser!)

After the appointment with the Oncologist I was referred to Guy's Assisted Conception Unit (ACU) for the IVF treatment. I had been waiting for a phone call and had heard nothing so I got Jane to chase it on the Monday and the reply was that my appointment had been at noon that day. Well, that's not a lot of good when they don't tell you that you have an appointment!!!!! I had been waiting to have that appointment so that I could go and visit my mum in Cornwall for a few days, maybe a week.
Another appointment was made for the Thursday and I arranged to catch a train that afternoon from Paddington to Liskeard.

Ash and I went up to Guy's, got lost in the hospital (it's MASSIVE!) and eventually arrived at the clinic (still 10 minutes early, thankfully). They made us wait for over half an hour (as there were other patients coming in that had to go first apparantly) and I wasn't even on the list properly, I was an annotation on the side (I think because they had had to rearrange the appointment).
We finally got in to see the doctor (an associate specialist not a consultant) just after twelve noon. She was rather vague and kept talking to us as though we were having regular IVF. She told us the procedure which I mostly knew but said that they didn't use a General Anaesthetic but used sedation. They ultrasound you on the inside (a transvaginal scan) so that they can see your ovaries (which look like shadows on the screen) and then use a big needle to extract the eggs. I'm not 100% on how they actually do it but if it's not a GA then I'm happy. I had a transvaginal scan on the day of my appointment which was uncomfortable but not as horrendous as a smear test!
The doctor said to me that usually for IVF treatment they will not accept people with a Body Mass Index (BMI) of over 35. Mine is 37. What happens when you are fatter is that your ovarian function is not as good so they advise you to go away, lose some weight and then come back and your chances of conceiving with IVF will be better. Well, I don't have the time for that as I have to crack on with the chemo. They also usually do a blood test when you have your period which determines at what levels your hormones are and then they can top you up to over-stimulate your ovaries. Then once you start your period you have to inject yourself with hormones for 10-14 days and then they go in and take the eggs.
We left the appointment concentrating on getting to Paddington (and having some lunch) but we were both feeling like the doctor had been a bit offish with us and that she'd left the situation very vague as she said she would have to speak to her senior doctors to see whether they would do the IVF anyway.

That afternoon I went down to Cornwall. It was heartbreaking leaving Ash as we have been apart since we got together but not since my diagnosis. The journey was smooth but pretty dull as it was dark and I couldn't see out of the window.
I spent Thursday until the following Wednesday at Mum and Dad's. It was lovely getting fresh air (not that you have a choice, fresh air gets blown INTO you in Cornwall in January!). I did lots of walking and had a proper pasty mmmmm.

I had been waiting for a phone call from Guy's to tell me whether or not they were going to go ahead with the IVF. Nothing. I had coffee on the Thursday with Susie (and Ben) and breakfast on the Friday with Gemma (and Phoebe and Ruby) - both at shockingly early times in the morning! I mean, what normal person is out at 9am!!! Don't they know I'm sick! Anyway, I guess that's what happens when you have kids. It was already mid-morning for them although it was early for me :).

On Friday morning I woke up and my wound was quite painful, red and swollen. The classic signs of infection. After breakfast I put a call in to Jane for some advice. She said to get an emergency appointment at the GP and get on some antibiotics and she booked me in to see her at her Seroma Clinic on Monday.
My GP surgery is BRILLIANT. I got an appointment and saw I think the last doc at the practice that I haven't seen yet (I have a full set now!) and he prescribed me some strong Augmentin which is a penicillin-based antibiotic. All the doctors that I have seen in that surgery have been absolutely brilliant. They are all friendly and even though I have to give everyone the 'story so far' when I go in there they are always patient and understanding. A couple of patients and staff recommended the surgery to me and I am so grateful that I am there while this is all going on. When I think of how rubbish my old GP was I breathe a sigh of relief.

So, I have another infection. Great. I don't feel THAT unwell. I am a bit tired and my right chest sort of aches. It's still uncomfortable to lie on my right side as I would normally when I go to sleep so going to bed isn't much fun as it takes a while to get comfy and fall asleep. Inevitably I wake up with backache too, that is a long-standing problem. Usually I would go
to an osteopath and get them to sort it out but they have to really twist you and move you and I can't take that risk with my arm as I could get a seroma. Jane has sent off a referral to the Pain Clinic at Beckenham Hospital. I know the doctors as they run one of their clinics in the Day Surgery so I although I don't know them that well personally, I feel confident to ask for what I want, which is some acupuncture. I had some before on my back and it was marvellous! (Also I fell asleep on the table I was so relaxed!)

I have been writing this for about 3 days (not constantly of course - I don't type THAT slow!) and more has happened as I had some more appointments. I will update you all in another blog, I'll just let you catch up with the last couple of weeks first.

Love to everyone
Liz
xxx

It's Been A While

Still (d)raining

Hello everyone,

Sorry it's been a while since I blogged. Not a lot has really happened as I have just been at home recovering from the second lot of surgery. I STILL have a drain in although the amount of blood/fluid that is being drained every day is decreasing - just not fast enough for my liking. I cannot WAIT to have this thing taken out. it is uncomfortable and I can't sleep on my right side as I can feel it under my skin - it's difficult to describe but it's like a pressure inside.
Also, it doesn't seem to have stopped raining for AGES!!!

Anyway, on to other news... we have a kitten! Her name is Pandora (nicknames: Pan or Dora the Explorer), she's about 6-7 weeks old, white with tabby patches. Also she's a bit mental!

Update: It's now Monday 14 January. The dreaded drain came out yesterday although I have to admit that it was because I ACCIDENTALLY caught it and it came out! It feels great to have it out and Ash and I went on a hike to Downe village to celebrate. I managed to walk there and back and felt really good (it was about 4.5 miles altogether). We did stop of course for tea and crumpets in the cake shop!

I had two appointments last week, one with the consultant surgeon and one with the Oncologist Dr Harries. Mr Desai said that my tumour had only been a Grade I, of the 9 lymph nodes only 1 was affected so that was removed and none of the blood vessels were affected. Good news all round. He looked at the scars and pronounced that they were healing well. They don't look too bad, when you consider that I have had a breast removed.

My appointment with Dr H wasn't very interesting, he told me that a Grade I in someone so young is unusual as the younger you are the more likely you are to have a more aggressive type of cancer. So that was good news. Trust me to be unusual! In fact I had read (on Wikipedia - the source of all my knowledge!) a list of celebrities that had had breast cancer (including my namesake Betty Ford). It seemed to me when I read it that the people that had had the cancer younger also died younger. That theory was confirmed by Dr H. I hope I don't become one of those statistics.

To be honest I still don't feel as though I am going to die. Even when I was ill with the infection I still just feel groggy. I guess I might change my mind when the chemo kicks in! Yeuch, I am not looking forward to that. I was quite ill on Friday with what I THINK was the virus that's doing the rounds in the UK. The diarrhoea and vomitting one. Ash and I were going over to my brother's flat to watch Star Wars Episode III. When Steve had come over to mine we had only managed the first two films as I was not feeling well (that was just before I was re-admitted to hospital). We got on the train and I didn't feel too good but I thought it was just tiredness. Got off at Penge East and we were walking along and I suddenly had the urge to puke so I did. In someone's garden - hee hee! I called Steve and he just took us straight home. I was sick as a dog for the rest of the night, a little bit wobbly in the morning but after that absolutely fine! Weird.

So, back to the important info. The Oncologist also introduced me to my Chemo Nurse who showed me the cooling caps that they used and the bit of the Chartwell Unit where they do the chemo. Bleugh, I think I'd rather lose my hair than wear those things. For one, they are not AT ALL fashionable and goodness knows, I like hats and some of them even look quite good but these are like helmets with a big coil on the inside that goes all cold and stays cold for 3 HOURS!!!!! I took one look at it and knew immediately that it would give me a migraine. Hmmmm.
At that appointment they also talked to me about having my eggs frozen - basically going through a cycle of IVF. It does involve another operation as they wait for the first day of your period, then you have to inject yourself for two weeks with hormones, then they go in laparoscopically (through your abdomen with a camera) to remove the eggs from your ovaries. NICE! (That was a sarcastic 'nice' by the way!). I don't like hormones anyway. The Pill makes me psychotic and depressed and I am NOT looking forward to this process at all. It's something I am going to do JUST IN CASE. I'm not one of those people who would do anything for a baby but Ash and I have been talking about it and I am seriously thinking about having children (sorry, A CHILD) with him. We'll see what happens. It won't be for a few years anyway, until I am over the whole having cancer thing.

They talked to me about types of chemo too as there are some trials going on at the moment which means that my treatment might not be the traditional way of having chemo. Usually you receive 6 to 8 cycles of treatment which means going into the Chartwell to have chemo drugs injected into you. That happens about every 3 weeks. One of the trials that is happening means that instead of IV (intravenous) drugs you get given the drugs in pill form. And you get them every 2 weeks. This has its benefits because a) you definitely don't lose your hair and b) you get through the chemo quicker. I'm hoping they'll put me on this trial but it is all randomly decided.

I'm off to see Mr D again today to check my wounds and I should have my appointment to the Fertility Clinic at Guys at some point this week too. After that I'm hoping I can get down to Cornwall to visit my mum for a while and take in some of the country and sea air.

All I can say at the moment is that I am feeling MUCH better than I was, I can move around more freely and am starting to feel more like myself. The sun's come out too and I can see blue sky out of my window - that always cheers me up.

Thank you all for your continued support, presents, cards etc. It makes it all easier to bear knowing that there are people out there who care (and who are reading this!). Please feel free to leave any comments, I'd love to hear from you.

Love
Liz
xxx